Jersey #9: Kentucky's Journey

So it's finally sinking in. Less than 2 weeks to go and suddenly here I am with checks from sponsors rolling in, friends flying in to train, and hella sore legs from the killer workout we've been given to help us stand up against the kiwis. Suddenly, I'm realizing that in a few short days I'm going to be arriving in a place I've dreamed about since I was a kid. And I won't be on any ordinary vacation, either. How many people get to say that they've visited three different countries and both hemispheres to represent their country in anything, let alone the greatest sport on the planet!?! Sure, this isn't the end of the road. My ultimate dream is to play in the next world cup as a REAL Eagle, but for now, I'm definitely stoked about this! It's the trip of a lifetime, and even though I'm sure it will be cold, and wet, and at times damn near miserable - I can't think of a better way to spend my time.

When I think about where I started, it's pretty amazing really. Watching those old tapes of my first games partly makes me cringe, and partly makes me smile. I was just a crazy tiny kid who thought it was awesome that I'd found a sport where I actually got to hit people! And then all of the sudden somebody thought I was good, somebody else thought I had potential, and then, well...I started to believe it. I worked harder, trained harder, and then the competition got harder. Where I had been so confident as a newcomer, I learned to question myself instead. There were so many good players, so many talented athletes....and I was, well....I didn't think I was all that special. But I kept working anyways, and somehow I've made it here. There are so many things in my life that I've worked really hard to achieve, but very few actual achievements. Rugby has given me that one thing that I can truly be proud of. No matter what happens later on in my life, I'll always have these trips, and these friends, and these memories. Unlike so many other things, it's not about money, or fame, or titles, or anything else...it's just about the journey and the experience, and that's what makes this game so special.

I'll most likely be keeping tabs on this particular part of my journey via this blog....so stay tuned for the goings-on of myself and the U23 National Team as we journey to the south pacific for a taste of real rugby country.........

So I'm finally back. About a month ago the world conspired to end my bloggerness for a while, but now I should be ready to spend some time back online. I have a new laptop (a mac, no less) that I can only hope will be more reliable than the PC's of my past....

In other news, I made the New Zealand tour!!!!! The invites came out just after the NASC tournament and I was lucky enough to be among those that got one. As for the tournament itself, things went okay I suppose. Although the Midwest weren't able to take back the title, losing to Marfu by 2 in the semis, we did come back to avenge last year's loss to the West and keep our place in tier one. Both games were great matches with a lot of hard hitting, fast rugby.

The week went by pretty fast, first with lots of practices (sometimes even three in a day!), and then the games...after that I was lucky enough to spend a couple crazy days with my friends Jill and Juanita bumming around Minneapolis. I don't want to go into all the details, but lets just say that over the course of one day, we went from talking to some crazy crack dealers on a bus to sitting in a $10,000 dollar massage chair on the 32nd floor of some high rise luxury apartments.....don't ask....

When I finally made it home alive (no small feat) it was time to pack things up and get ready for Philly!! It seems that I sort of underestimated the task because I waited until the very last moment to get everything together and actually get the process underway. Since my parents had decided that the trip from Kentucky to Iowa, Iowa to Philly, and Philly back to Kentucky was just too much, it suddenly became my job to pack everything I owned into my truck, and sell or toss everything that wouldn't fit. As it turns out, a lot of stuff didn't fit..........so after many, many hours of tossing I finally had everything together and ready to go at 11pm on Saturday night. One disasterous hotel break, many rest stops, and what seems like a million hours later, I arrived in Philly at around 1:30am Monday morning....

Since then, I've settled in a bit. Everything still isn't unpacked and I'm a little overwhelmed with all that's on my plate at the moment. Life with 4 dogs and 2 people is a lot different from my previous 1 person 1 dog lifestyle. On top of that, I'm job searching, finishing online courses, fundraising for NZ, and of course, training. Somehow I'll make it all happen, but in the meantime I'll be here at the house of a thousand dogs trying to find my place in the big city....

When all the banter started across the blogs about Collegerugbyamerica and EIU's NCAA DI Varsity program, I told myself I would sort of stay on the outskirts. I've made a few comments here and there, thrown in my two cents when I just couldn't help it anymore, and otherwise laughed and sat bewildered at the insanity coming out of Collegerugbyamerica.com and from the "anonymous" comments on its behalf. But as the misinformation and blatant disrespect for club rugby have built, I have become increasingly uncomfortable with keeping quiet about my own personal experience with Eastern Illinois' rugby program, and think it's a story worth sharing with my fellow "recreational athletes".

As it turns out, about two years ago this little "hobby" that I play could have landed me a spot in Coach Graziano's set of "Student-Athletes". That's right - I, a lowly club rugby player, was RECRUITED by Eastern Illinois University and Coach Graziano himself. Interesting, seeing as how there seems to be such an adverse attitude toward club rugby coming from the EIU camp, but I digress...

As I was saying, it all started because I was looking for a new rugby home. I loved playing for Kentucky, but after having played U19's and deciding that I really wanted to push my rugby potential to the limit, I knew that I would need to move elsewhere. With the support of my Kentucky coaches, teammates, and select-side coaches, I began searching for a new college home. The only thing I knew about EIU was that they were a varsity program, and that there was a possibility of a scholarship, so naturally I shot an email their way. I listed my credentials in the "club rugby" world - U19's, Ohio U23's - and was overwelmed by the response. Much interest was thrown in my direction, and Mr. Graziano and I exchanged many emails about the prospect of playing for him. Playing for EIU meant a possible scholarship, practicing everyday, trainers, no more paying for trips, conditioning coaches...the list goes on and on. No doubt, I was excited. What I had been craving at Kentucky was an intensive rugby environment with better competition, highly skilled teammates, and an atmosphere where I would be pushed in the same way I had been while playing for the USA U19's. On the surface, EIU seemed like a great place to do that.

However, in the meantime I was also starting to feel a little less than thrilled about the prospect of leaving my home state, friends, and all the comforts of home - basically I was chickening out. I decided to shoot EIU's coach an email and tell him that I was no longer interested.....but WOW - what a response. It seems my status as a "recreational athlete" was not a deterent to the coach at this point, because he was pretty determined to keep my interest and offered to drive all the way to Kentucky so that we could chat for a few hours. He did just that. Still not sure if I was really all that into the EIU thing anymore, I met with coach and listened to his speel about free cleats and free this and free that....free, free, free. Everything, it seemed, was about money.......but at this point that wasn't such a bad thing for me because I knew my parents would be very interested in hearing that they wouldn't have to dish out a bunch of cash in order for me to transfer. I spoke about my love for rugby and my dream of one day playing for the Women's National Team, and coach simply went on about the opportunities for being a real "student-athlete", for getting academic-athletic awards, etc. At any rate, I was at least interested, and decided to set up a recruiting visit.


My parents and I made the drive across the cornfields to Charleston, IL where we were to be immediately impressed by the loads of glitter and glam surrounding the women's rugby program...NOT. Actually, we were set up in a seriously lowsly hotel (paid for by the "recruiting budget") and then made our way to a rather average looking university with rather average rugby fields and less than average facilities. Coach wore a suit and was very official and all that, but in truth, nothing about EIU was all the glamorous - and certainly not near as nice as those "hobby" fields for those "recreational" club players out at Stanford ;) . Anyways, we did the tour, we talked to professors, and yeah, we talked a bit of rugby. But nothing we talked about rugby was what I was expecting. Coach told me that I could "choose my own number" (but I thought I was a nine!?) and that when his team traveled, there would be no socializing or even talking to the other "club" team. Instead, EIU would get to use varsity facilities while the home club did not, and then would march out on the field, play the game, and leave without talking to the other players. I was also told that during the offseason (which is a LOOONG one considering EIU only plays in the Fall) I should take a break from any rugby activities and play intramural basketball and focus on other hobbies. Over and over again it was insisted that rugby is "just like every other sport". I was also told that EIU's girls players don't socialize with the men's club team because they are more suited to hanging out only with the other "Varsity" athletes. He talked about how everything should be done the same as all the other sports, and over and over again referred to how the "folks" in the USA Rugby community were backward, misinformed, uneducated about college athletics, and were creating no future for the sport....

The real kicker comes when talking about select-sides. I was not at all shy about talking excitedly about my experiences in the USA U19 program - after all, it had taken me all the way to three different countries and several states along the way - and so Mr. Graziano was clear about addressing the select-side issue with me. No, I would not be allowed in any way to participate in any USA Rugby, Midwest, or any other developmental or select-side rugby functions - nothing but EIU rugby. When considering EIU as on option, this was my number one concern, and I addressed this with the coach by reiterating it to him that my number one goal was to become an Eagle. He told me that this wouldn't have to be discussed with the other girls, but that certainly I could keep this as a personal goal (although I was told I might find it more rewarding to go into some other field after college working in NCAA athletics). I asked that if coming to EIU and effectively excluding myself from the USA Developmental Pool could have deterimental effects on my ever being selected at the higher levels. I was then told that, no, this would have no effect because for all intents and purposes there was no real player identification setup in place anyways and that "getting your name out there" in USA Rugby was not at all important. And the best part - I was also told that USA Rugby and in particular the U19's had "set me up for failure". Having given me that great opportunity, I was told that the club structure - including select-sides - had left me with no available avenues for improvement or advancement. He even suggested that the only way the situation could improve was if perhaps HE were in charge of the U19's so that he could give the girls on the team a better option (weird, considering that his players aren't even allowed to play on the U19's).

Though I can see through all of this now so clearly - having gone through the Midwest U23 program, played for Northern Iowa in two DI Sweet 16's, and having assembled with the USA U23's - at the time, I really did swallow a lot of this crap. All I wanted was to be a better player, and if this man (who seemed truly interested) was telling me that the only way I could really do that was to play for him, it wasn't such a stretch to believe it. But over the next few weeks, the more conversations we had the more questions I asked about select-sides, the less cordial the coversations became. I knew there was a possiblity of getting select to Midwest U23's that summer, and I really wasn't sure if I wanted to give that up. I kept asking questions and receiving very few answers. All that kept being emphasised was the money, that rugby was "no different from other sports," and that this was an opportunity to be a "Student-Athlete" - nothing else. Weird...because I had pretty much always thought of myself as a student-athlete.


Today, almost three years later, I am very grateful to have chosen the club path. No disrespect to any of the athletes who have chosen EIU as their home - I am very sure they work extremely hard and are very talented players. I do wish they had a chance to play select-sides and try out for developmental teams - but I suppose that is a sacrifice they made knowingly. When I finally turned down the offer to play for EIU, the response I got back was that "collegiate athletics is not for most". Really? Because I have participated in collegiate athletics for 4 years - it may not be "varsity," it may not have an NCAA logo - but I am in college, I play rugby, and for all intents and purposes that makes me a "collegiate athlete".

Now, EIU and lots of the "anonymous" bloggers out there would like to have everyone believe that because we are club and they are varsity there is some huge gap between us. Not so - I was explained in detail the training and conditioning that would be required of me at EIU, and I am certain that my personal training schedule is just as rigorous. In fact, many players across the country train 5 days a week just as they do, and some are even on mandatory National Team conditioning programs (which often require more than one training per day in addition to skills practice), and many also monitor their diets, physical health, and mental health very carefully to ensure they are training at the highest level. Lots of Olympic athletes, because they are technically amatures, also train in this same way - but no one would ever try to tell them they are participating in a "hobby" or a weekend recreation as those in the EIU camp keep referring to club rugby athletes. Also, there is no possible way to compare club rugby to the likes of club soccer or club hockey or whatever. That's because, as I've said in some of my comments, there IS NO OTHER OPTION for rugby. The best hockey players in this country are OF COURSE going to attend universities with Varsity hockey teams. However, the same cannot be said of the best rugby players in the country. The best rugby players in the country, or the best athletes seeking to play rugby were they to have a choice, might choose Penn State or Stanford or Army or New Mexico or Northern Iowa, or Ohio State, etc, etc, etc. Why? Because these are among the best teams in the country. Period. If I were a basketball player, and UK's club basketball team was the very best team in the country, that's who I'd want to play for. As it turns out, UK's Varsity basketball team is far better - so that's where I'd want to play. But not because they are Varsity, but because they are good!!!


And about this whole "rugby isn't different from other sports" stuff. Well, I guess on the surface it's not. You run, you score, there's contact, injuries, etc. But somewhere along the line something more was infused into rugby. Something that transcends state lines, country lines, gender lines, races, creeds, and cultures. You don't have to sing the songs and you don't have to drink the beer. You don't have to have to have outrageous parties or chug alcohol from a boot. All of that can come with rugby - but it certainly doesn't have to and the partying is not what I'm talking about. It's the community. There's something about the people who play and coach and support - those who work their tails off for no reason at all except for the love of the game. It's about those funny British terms like "scrum" and "knock on" and "hooker". It's about the fact that people of all shapes and sizes can play, beat the living hell out of their opponents on the field, and then be man or woman enough to shake hands and share a pint (or a pepsi) with their opposite after a game. Sure, there are those occassional enemies, but for the most part some of best friends I've ever had have been on the opposite side of the field....and the exciting part is that this trend goes all the way up to the highest level. It's encouraging to see that money has not corrupted the sport in places like New Zealand - they get more and more professional and earth-shatteringly good every year, but anyone can tell that they are still just regular ruggers at heart playing because they love it. Having read Justin Marshall's biography twice, I can attest that even in the All Blacks, songs, pints, pranks, and comraderie are still very much a part of the atmosphere - hell, Justin even claims to be very good "mates" with George Gregan! In a sport where two of the most competive scrumhalfs in the world can settle in before or after a match to have a barbeque, there must be something special going on....


So I guess the thing is, rugby doesn't have to be different than other sports. We can change it to make it more marketable and more "American"(see this Q&A). Change the numbers, change the refs, change the equipment. Hell, even change the meters to yards, call it a touchdown, change poaches to "steals" and start reporting on "runs over twenty yards"....stop the socials - even the non-alcoholic ones, and start talking about how much the same rugby is as every other sport. Maybe we'll eventually forget that we're any different - maybe girls would get scholarships and the NCAA would take over with it's big money and big rules and make things "safer" (especially when it would be women playing, because as we all know, some things just aren't safe for women)........But really - I'd rather not. I'd love to get more support from universities and possibly have Varsity women's rugby be a big thing - hell, I'd even like to coach a team one day and actually get paid - but not at this cost. Varsity rugby can happen without these changes. If the NCAA requires all this, then who needs them. The rugby community needs support and organization, and it looks to me as though USA Rugby is doing its best to provide those things. There is definite room for improvement, and I am no expert on what all is required - but I hope that someone out there can figure out a way to do it without stripping rugby of it's soul. All I know is that I love this sport. For me and so many others, there is something different, and it's added to my life in a way that no other sport - or community - ever could.

Varsity rugby or not, collegerugbyamerica and EIU are not advocating the sport I fell in love with, and they can keep it...

...but it's just because I'm busy planning out my life. Rugby and otherwise. But the exciting news is that YAY!!!! It's summer rugby time!!! I can almost smell it in the air - the grass, the dirt, the sweaty scrumcaps....*ahhh*. Summer rugby means amping up the training and amping up the intensity. Games are few and far between, but when you play, you play big - and afterwards, because you've worked so hard, you party big. It's for seeing all those rugby friends spread out all over the country - former teammates, current teammates, coaches from u19 this and u23 that. Maybe you drive in a car singing Journey songs for hours on end or maybe you hop in a jet that drops you off God knows where and suddenly, you arrive in what I like to call, "Rugby Land". It's the greatest place on Earth - only, it isn't really a place. Or at least, it's never the same place. It doesn't matter whether it's Seattle or Austin or Rockford or Philly - because wherever it is, no matter what tournament it is, you're bound to see people you love from all over the place. My most favoritest tournament happens to be the U23 NASC or ITT's or whatever you wanna call it because it seems to be the center of everything. Now the senior women have been holding their tourney at the same time so there's even more people there than before. But most of all I love it because the stakes are high. First, I'll head off to Midwest tryouts and try to wipe the dust off of the connections between myself and the teammates I haven't played with for a while, as well as forge new connections with all the rookies. Weeks of 2 a day training come together for 2 days of a$$ busting hard work, trying to prove once again that I've got what it takes to wear the Green and Gold - there are fitness tests, speed tests, tons of hard hitting drills, and of course, scrimmaging - and after it's all over all I can hope for is to have done my very best and proven myself worthy to go on to the big dance.

Making it that far is already an accomplishment - I've played in the NASC three times now (once as a USA U19er, twice as a U23 Thunderbird), and it just never gets old. Last year, though it had a disappointing ending for us MW players, was especially exciting for me because I was a starter for the first time. I played my heart out but the team fell short, so you can bet we'll be back this summer with a vengence......seriously, I can't freaking wait.

Getting back to the high stakes - ah, yes, besides really, really, really wanting to take those gold medals home, there's an underlying "try out" aspect to the whole All-Star tournament thing. When explaining rugby life to anyone outside the sport I always like to tell them that rugby is kind of like one continuous tryout. Yes, it's fun as hell, but it seems we're always being watched or evaluated for something, and for this year's NASC that will be especially true. Last year at the tournament, I was playing my heart for my team, as well as for a chance to tryout for the U23 National Team. Well, this year the prize is much greater, as the USA U23 team which goes to New Zealand will supposedly be announced sometime following the NASC. Whoa - talk about pressure. But no worries - no amount of pressure can take away my love of select-side rugby and summer rugby in general. Maybe it's just me, but I just can't think of anything better than soaking up the sun and soaking up the rugby with some of the best young players in the country...

Rugby Land - here I come!!

This is the end part of a poem I wrote a year or two ago.....the beginning part is kind of shit, but the end part feels pretty relevant right now...



Thus Fear will not impede mine striving
So much I love the beauty, pace, and pain
For it is still “The game they play in heaven”
Become I Eagle –
Or wingless self, remain.

Now that the emotional drama of Nationals is over, and school is (nearly) over, I've decided it's time to sort out where I'm going from here.

Well, let's make it official - I will be moving to Philadelphia after the U23 National All-Star Tournament and playing for the Philly Women!!! That's right, after some long hard decision making and much persuasion in many different directions from interested parties, I have decided to drag my redneck butt across the country once again, and replant myself in the city of brotherly love. This is all very exciting and extrordinarily terrifying at the same time. Let's list the positives and negatives...


Positives and Negatives of Moving to Philly:

+ I have a rugby team waiting for me
- I don't have a job waiting for me

+ I'll get lots of competition
- I might lose

+ I'll meet new people!
- New people are scary...

+ I get to live in a big city!
- Umm...hello!?! I'm a hillbilly...I might die.

+ Closer to friends and family from home
- Farther from friends from Iowa and the west

+ New challenge of playing for MARFU
- I really love playing for Midwest =(

...but in the end....

+ I'll become a better rugby player

...And that's the bottom line - Like I said, moving is scary and fun at the same time, but this is the best time for me to do it. I have no job, no prior committments, no romantic attachments - basically I'm free to restart life as I choose, and for now, I'm choosing Philly. Two years ago I made this same decision and moved to the middle of nowhere in Iowa. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made, and from that I've learned that you have to take risks to do anything in life. Anytime you get too comfortable, you're probably getting too lazy, and that is certainly not what I want - in rugby OR life.


So here I go - two more months of life in the Midwest before I take a big jump into the real world - *Deep Breath*

Here I go....