Jersey #9: Kentucky's Journey

Since I have been "resting" / being sick for the past week or so, I have come to realize something: I do not do well with rest. Not. at. all. Rest makes me feel crazy and pathetic and worthless. Because I am not as tired as usual - mentally or physically - my brain starts spinning a hundred miles per hour and I force misery upon myself to occupy the emptiness. Also, I have lot more trouble sleeping - which sucks, because I don't sleep well to begin with - which reinforces my misery.

Also, I have come to realize something about my general state of emotion. I think that I am naturally a bit miserable and unhappy. Sure, I have days where I am happy and days where I am unhappy like everyone else....but I was thinking really hard about it lately to try to figure out why there seem to be more unhappy days than happy ones, for no apparent reason at all. When I am unhappy, it seems that there doesn't really have to be a cause. If I am relaxing, or if I turn off the "noise" from the world....that seems to be the state I fall into. If I am happy, however, I am usually doing something. I am training or working or outdoors or with someone who makes me happy. Happy is work. Happy is active. And when I get tired on those happy days and feel myself slowing down, I feel the unhappy creeping up. It's why I am constantly in a state of "noise". If I attempt to work or train or drive in silence......well...you can pretty much guarantee that I'll come out on the other side of that a little more angry and dejected than I was when I started. If I turn off the noise on the outside, my brain fills it on the inside with much less positive noise. It sucks because, quite frankly, sometimes I could use a little peace and quiet...

At any rate, in order to spare myself and those who are forced to interact with me a bit of grief over the winter (not my best time...) I have decided to enact weekly skill development.

It is my goal to do/try/learn something new each week. It could be anything from knitting to yoga to a new language or whatever. If, after the week, I decide that it's something I really like, then I can extend my learning period (obviously I'm not going to knit a quilt or learn a new language in a week).

The goal of this is to A) fill the white space in my brain, and B) to "improve myself"

Maybe this plan will stick and maybe it won't....but it's worth a try. I decide on each new thing on Friday evenings, pick up a book or research it on Saturday, and continue my learning throughout the week. I have not yet decided on my skill for today and the coming week, so feel free to offer suggestions!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving holiday and is back on track, working off the extra lbs earned from all the delicious food.

As for me, I took a trip home (I hadn't been back in nearly a year!), saw the fam, went to my friend JD's baby shower, and reunited with some people I hadn't seen in a very long time.

As you can see, Thanksgiving time is also holiday photo time at the McCoy household, and the doggies got in on the action. My mom wanted to let Brutus run loose through the neighborhood dressed like that, but I felt that even animal humiliation shouldn't go that far.


In other news, I have been keeping up at least with the conditioning portion on my workout. I have been laying off lifting over the holiday as part of my "resting" to see if I can get my elbow back to normal, but running was a different story. I am holding strong on my program "Off-Season for the Advanced Athlete" from getstrength.net, and performed maybe the hardest conditioning workout of my life as part of the interval options listed with my plan. It involved an ungodly amount of timed 200's and 100's with very little rest....ewwww. However, I recovered quickly from that and can't wait to get back outside and in the gym to continue my gains.

Many people are born with various "abnormalities," if you will. Sometimes, these can be kind of cool: double jointedness, webbed feet, the ability to wiggle one's ears, to roll your tongue, etc....Other people might have some that aren't so cool...bowed legs, extra fingers, giant noses...well, you get the picture....

My bodily quirk probably fits somewhere between these two categories of cool and just weird, depending on your viewpoint. For those of you not so fortunate enough to have seen my "elbow trick," I have included a detailed picture below:As it turns out, my arms cannot straighten. I guess it's the same thing as having bowed knees, except in my arms. I first discovered this when, as a child, I was wrestling with my sister and proceeded to fall to the ground, catching myself and straining my elbow in the process. I got up, telling my mom that my arm hurt. She asked me to hold my arms out and then screamed, "OH MY GOD! Both your arms are BROKEN!!!".....to which I replied, "They ARE!?!?!"

In reality, neither arm was broken, nor severely injured. Actually, they just look like that all the time. Over the years I have come to respect my elbows as a party trick or conversation starter. Most people find it funny that I cannot actually put my elbows down to my sides when straighted, or that when I lay on the ground and try to put them close to me, my arms pop up like little dinosaur arms. A few of my college friends have even been known to refer to them as my "bat wings" which pop out just before a tackle, and more than once I have had a friend introduce me to someone and say, "Ooooh oooh! Will you show him/her your elbows!! Pllleeeeeassee!!!"

Once, the morning after revealing my elbow trick to my team at a select side event, a coach of mine found herself particularly disturbed. The first words out of her mouth after waking up being, "Wait...were Tiffany's arms always like that!?!?"

Yes. Yes they were...


Sadly, not everything about my stupid elbows is amusing. Their unfortunate assembly seems to have made them easily prone to hyper-extension, which is the real reason I chose to blog about my little handicap this morning. I am currently nursing the latest in a series of elbow hyper-extension injuries, sustained to my right arm in the second game of the round of 16 in St. Louis. I played on in the game, and since then it has not really hampered much of my training. I have continued practicing and lifting as usual, careful to monitor the difference between soreness and pain in my injured appendage. Unfortunately, monitoring doesn't seem to have been enough, as the pain has begun to flair up once again, and I am faced with the unfortunate proposition of "resting". *sigh*

I hate resting, but it looks like I'm going to be giving my right wing some time off from lifting for the next week or so and will then re-evaluate my progress. Unfortunately this also means no Olympic lifting, front squats, or dead-lifts, as these all put strain on my bum joint. Passing seems to be fine - no pain whatsoever - but I will be careful to pay attention to my body when it comes to that as well.

"Resting" wasn't exactly in my plans for getting a head start on my off-season training, but after a month of ignoring my body's plea for a break, it looks like I am going to have to give in. In the meantime, I'll be working on my conditioning, lower body, and core strength. Keeping my fingers crossed that my "guns" don't shrink too much, though......;)

Deep breath in for 7 seconds....hold for 2....out for 6.....

Ahhhh....it's what's called a "Centering Breath" according to a book (yes, a book!) I'm reading called 10-Minute Toughness, and it's designed to be a 15-second reset for your brain during high stress situations. Resets...I've needed a lot of those lately. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't, but I have been trying. I've come to accept that the demons are going to tug at my pant legs and whisper sweet nothings in my ear no matter what...

"You're not good enough"

"You're wasting your time"

"This is too hard"

"They were right about you"

So many voices telling me what I should or shouldn't do. Some of them are real, some of them are imagined....and some are a bit of both. But the idea of the centering breath is that for those 15 seconds, all the other voices are momentarily drowned out in order to clear a little space for my own. For most of my life, I have been a person who has put great value in the opinions of those I love and respect - trusting all too often that others know better of me than I do myself. The thing is...other people are impermanent. Friendships, relationships, mentorships, whatever....in the words of Dr. House, "Everything is conditional," and we can't always predict what those conditions will be. Whatever it is that causes one person to invest their time in another - whether it be for a sport, a relationship, a job - can disappear in an instant with a simple change of conditions. When the opinions or advice of those persons had been the foundation upon which you'd based your self-image and self-worth as I had done, the result can be devastating.

I can compare it to going out in a boat to the middle of a lake with a friend, despite not knowing how to swim. You trust your friend, and believe that if anything bad were to happen, she would save you from drowning. But when that boat capsizes, suddenly you're being pulled under and your friend is nowhere to be found. Maybe your friend is drowning too....maybe she isn't strong enough to hold both of your heads above the water....Really, it doesn't matter the reason, because the point is - you're drowning. Intentions were good - no one meant for this to happen, but that doesn't stop the reality of the situation. The onus is on you. You should have learned to swim before getting in the damn boat, even if that would have meant disappointing your friend.


So I guess I'm preaching to myself. I keep getting in the goddamn boat without so much as a pair of freakin' swimmies, and then wind up cursing the entire human race when I have to doggy paddle my way to the shore with water up my nose and salt in my eyes. It's like the President said "Fool me once...uhh" ....well, you get the idea - I need to learn from my mistakes and stop worrying so much about the actions and words of others. This is my life...I have to deal with the results and consequences, so I might as well start making the decisions that cause them.

This starts with listening to that little voice in my head. my voice.

It's the off-season now, which is kind of like the athlete's new year. It's a chance to reinvent yourself. To put yesterday behind you and be done with it, for better or worse. It's a deep breath on a larger scale, and though it's a bit shorter for a rugby player than some other kinds of athletes, it still exists. In the off-season, there's no worries about comparisons. It's you and the gym. You and the pitch. There are no external consequences for not training. Nor are there external rewards when you do. For me, making the choice to seek the internal rewards always translates to the offseason being a pretty lonely time. I don't see many friends, and even when I have the opportunity, I am often too tired to join them. I find myself talking to Brutus a little more and talking to humans a little less. I can't say that it's a happy time of year...but it is a time of hope - of second chances. Hope that maybe this time I'll get it right. Maybe that in a few months I can crawl out of my hibernation as an improved version of myself. It's not easy, but if it was, everyone would do it.

For this off-season, my resolution is to quiet all the other voices and listen to my own; to be the best version of myself. I will try to chronicle my efforts toward this rebirth of sorts on my blog...in part to keep from losing my sanity, and also to give myself a sense of accountability. I've got to admit, the thought of giving my best is pretty terrifying. There's always the chance that "everything" just isn't enough...but then again, what if it is?

Deep breath in for 7 seconds....hold for 2....out for 6.....



“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely...”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

So. As it turns out, rugby doesn't pay money, it actually COSTS money.

I know, shocking right?

Also, I am told that regardless of money issues, it's not healthy to have only one hobby/focus/obsession in life. But then again, I think that's basically the nature of obsession, that it is obsessive, so really how could you have more than one? And if you did, wouldn't that get exhausting, to be obsessed with a number of obsessions? Anyways....I digress...

As it stands today I have a job that pays the bills because my parents are nice enough to give it to me. It means that I can set my own training times and sit my 'tocks on the couch all day punching numbers into a database, and indulge myself in the Michael Phelps diet. Sounds great, eh? Great except that 99.999% of the time I feel completely worthless. As such, I am prompted to ask myself - what do I want to do?

What things to do I like? What am I good at? What would I like to be? Where would I like to go? How do I picture myself in 5 years? yada yada yada...

Problem is, I have pretty much zero answers for any of these questions. For instance, what do I like......ummm, rugby? being outdoors? my dog?

What am I good at? In the past I would probably have answered that I have a mean scrumhalf pass, but these days I am told that even that is only middle of the road so...there ya go. I am also an excellent bullshitter, but only on paper, and have a talent for writing precocious literary critiques on books which I have not actually read, do not actually like, and could not care less about. Let's just say my "talents" don't lend themselves to many careers.

And the rest of the questions??? What would I like to be? no idea....Where would I like to go?? Anywhere but wherever I am seems to be the answer most of the time. And how do I picture myself in 5 years??? Wow...uh...sitting on my couch...still asking these questions, actually. How depressing........


No idea where this post is going except to say that I would like to know where I am going and if anyone knows how to f'ing get there. How does anyone decide what they want to do? Are there people who are seriously interested in the classes they take? Does anyone really enjoy their job?? Are some people actually happy???

These are the things I must know....because my answers are slightly miserable...

So it's 11:30pm and I should be in bed. I have been browsing the web for no possible reason except that apparently in the 10 hours I was online earlier today while working I didn't get enough retinal burn from the screen and had to come back for a second bout. At any rate, I decided to run across the blogosphere see what was going on in the big world when I remembered, "oh yes, I have a blog".

Indeed I do. And upon further inspection I have found it to be filled with obsessive workouts, eating plans, weird poems from when I was working toward my worthless degree, grumpy ramblings about my various places of residence, and the occasional "life ain't so bad" speech.

Oh. and rugby. I guess I talk about that sometimes, too.

As such, I suppose I should segway into the blog title change. Maybe I will change my mind tomorrow, but as of tonight, staring up at my cheery little "Kentucky's Journey" title I kind of wanted to puke on myself. As it turns out I am pretty freaking cynical, and feel as though I am living a life of blogosphere deception through such a cheery and optimistic title. Anyone who knows me in real life is aware that I am simultaneously the worlds hugest pessimist and God's personal comic relief. As such, I believe my new title (which was also my senior year book quote) to be far more appropriate.


Hopefully it will spark me to post about stuff other than how many push ups my lazy ass did on such and such day, or whether or how many calories were in my carrot. We'll see.

Also...facebook changed so I thought I should join the movement. I am such a worthless follower.

Drinking the koolaid as we speak,

Tucky

So it seems that the winter has finally taken its leave of absence for the year in lieu of an already steaming summer, which means that my fingers are thawed and ready to let you know what's been happening with my life over the last few weeks.

So here's the thing, despite all my fussing, I am actually starting to *gasp* LIKE Philadelphia. I know, I know...It's almost scary the 180 I've turned from the past fall until now, but let's just say that I much prefer this side of the coin to the other. I can't decide any definitive moment that my opinion on the City of Brotherly Love began to soften, but there are certainly a combination of factors at work here. Let me expand.

Since rugby is what I spend the majority of my time focused on, it would make sense that so goes the rugby, so goes my life. Sometimes this is for the better, many times it is for the worst. Luckily, my experience this spring has been much more to the former, due in no small part to my new team, Keystone (please ignore the fact that I am not yet on the roster - we are technologically challenged). Though the spring has been a bit shoddy with regards to games, we have had our share of great practices, and I guess you could say that everyday I'm learning something that um....I didn't realize I had to learn. Which of course makes for a lot more work for me, but at least it's productive work. Since my genetics seem to have failed me in a number of areas, I've found it increasingly important to play the smartest rugby possible. In the past I've struggled to find day to day guidance with improving my "smart rugby" skills, especially with regards to the scrumhalf position. However, my new coach, Pete Steinberg, is constantly teaching me new skills and giving me new ideas to think about when I play. If I can survive all of the "You have a lot of work to do..." comments, I'll come out a much improved player ;).

Aside from vast improvements in the rugby scene, I've also had the chance to explore my hometown a bit. It seems Philadelphia keeps all of the good stuff hidden. The parks for example. Fairmount park is HUGE. It stretches through practically the whole city, provides bike trails, playing fields (albeit sprinkled with the occasional condom wrapper, but hey, beggers can't be choosers), hiking, horseback riding, and probably a whole lot of other crap that I just haven't stumbled upon yet. Here's the thing. Despite the fact that this park is sooo enormous, it is very unassuming. Philadelphia is set in a very wooded area, so on any given street there may be a tangle of brush and trees to either side. Now, where I come from, parks are usually labeled with a sign, usually a large one, that says something like "PARK". There are usually a few main entrances to said park (all easy to find due to roadsides for the surrounding 50 mile radius labeled "Park, THIS WAY"), where one can leave their car and then head out to a number of trails or fields in the area. Well, it took me a while to figure out that Philly is a bit different. While there certainly are a few main entrances and parking areas labeled by extraordinarily unassuming signs, it's more likely that a resident would enter through any of the MILLION side paths jutting out into the woods from just about anywhere. So remember the tangle of brush and trees I spoke about passing in and around the city? Well, it turns out that many times those wooded areas are actually connected to Fairmount park, and if you look hard enough, you can usually find a trail somewhere nearby. Sadly, it took me quite some time to figure it out. I was aware of the ginormous park in the area, but I would drive around endlessly looking for road signs and entrances, etc. In actuality, the closest entrance to me is a short 5 minute jog down the street, and aside from that, there are trails jutting out from just about every other playing field or recreational area in the city. So yes....I am learning.....about the parks, the driving, and so many other things....

That's it for now. Yo estudiando Espanol (I am studying Spanish), and I have to get back to that for a while. Look for more updates, more often now that summer rugby is getting back in action. I have lots to talk about (i.e. my third territory in a year), so stay tuned!!!