Jersey #9: Kentucky's Journey

Many people are born with various "abnormalities," if you will. Sometimes, these can be kind of cool: double jointedness, webbed feet, the ability to wiggle one's ears, to roll your tongue, etc....Other people might have some that aren't so cool...bowed legs, extra fingers, giant noses...well, you get the picture....

My bodily quirk probably fits somewhere between these two categories of cool and just weird, depending on your viewpoint. For those of you not so fortunate enough to have seen my "elbow trick," I have included a detailed picture below:As it turns out, my arms cannot straighten. I guess it's the same thing as having bowed knees, except in my arms. I first discovered this when, as a child, I was wrestling with my sister and proceeded to fall to the ground, catching myself and straining my elbow in the process. I got up, telling my mom that my arm hurt. She asked me to hold my arms out and then screamed, "OH MY GOD! Both your arms are BROKEN!!!".....to which I replied, "They ARE!?!?!"

In reality, neither arm was broken, nor severely injured. Actually, they just look like that all the time. Over the years I have come to respect my elbows as a party trick or conversation starter. Most people find it funny that I cannot actually put my elbows down to my sides when straighted, or that when I lay on the ground and try to put them close to me, my arms pop up like little dinosaur arms. A few of my college friends have even been known to refer to them as my "bat wings" which pop out just before a tackle, and more than once I have had a friend introduce me to someone and say, "Ooooh oooh! Will you show him/her your elbows!! Pllleeeeeassee!!!"

Once, the morning after revealing my elbow trick to my team at a select side event, a coach of mine found herself particularly disturbed. The first words out of her mouth after waking up being, "Wait...were Tiffany's arms always like that!?!?"

Yes. Yes they were...


Sadly, not everything about my stupid elbows is amusing. Their unfortunate assembly seems to have made them easily prone to hyper-extension, which is the real reason I chose to blog about my little handicap this morning. I am currently nursing the latest in a series of elbow hyper-extension injuries, sustained to my right arm in the second game of the round of 16 in St. Louis. I played on in the game, and since then it has not really hampered much of my training. I have continued practicing and lifting as usual, careful to monitor the difference between soreness and pain in my injured appendage. Unfortunately, monitoring doesn't seem to have been enough, as the pain has begun to flair up once again, and I am faced with the unfortunate proposition of "resting". *sigh*

I hate resting, but it looks like I'm going to be giving my right wing some time off from lifting for the next week or so and will then re-evaluate my progress. Unfortunately this also means no Olympic lifting, front squats, or dead-lifts, as these all put strain on my bum joint. Passing seems to be fine - no pain whatsoever - but I will be careful to pay attention to my body when it comes to that as well.

"Resting" wasn't exactly in my plans for getting a head start on my off-season training, but after a month of ignoring my body's plea for a break, it looks like I am going to have to give in. In the meantime, I'll be working on my conditioning, lower body, and core strength. Keeping my fingers crossed that my "guns" don't shrink too much, though......;)

Deep breath in for 7 seconds....hold for 2....out for 6.....

Ahhhh....it's what's called a "Centering Breath" according to a book (yes, a book!) I'm reading called 10-Minute Toughness, and it's designed to be a 15-second reset for your brain during high stress situations. Resets...I've needed a lot of those lately. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't, but I have been trying. I've come to accept that the demons are going to tug at my pant legs and whisper sweet nothings in my ear no matter what...

"You're not good enough"

"You're wasting your time"

"This is too hard"

"They were right about you"

So many voices telling me what I should or shouldn't do. Some of them are real, some of them are imagined....and some are a bit of both. But the idea of the centering breath is that for those 15 seconds, all the other voices are momentarily drowned out in order to clear a little space for my own. For most of my life, I have been a person who has put great value in the opinions of those I love and respect - trusting all too often that others know better of me than I do myself. The thing is...other people are impermanent. Friendships, relationships, mentorships, whatever....in the words of Dr. House, "Everything is conditional," and we can't always predict what those conditions will be. Whatever it is that causes one person to invest their time in another - whether it be for a sport, a relationship, a job - can disappear in an instant with a simple change of conditions. When the opinions or advice of those persons had been the foundation upon which you'd based your self-image and self-worth as I had done, the result can be devastating.

I can compare it to going out in a boat to the middle of a lake with a friend, despite not knowing how to swim. You trust your friend, and believe that if anything bad were to happen, she would save you from drowning. But when that boat capsizes, suddenly you're being pulled under and your friend is nowhere to be found. Maybe your friend is drowning too....maybe she isn't strong enough to hold both of your heads above the water....Really, it doesn't matter the reason, because the point is - you're drowning. Intentions were good - no one meant for this to happen, but that doesn't stop the reality of the situation. The onus is on you. You should have learned to swim before getting in the damn boat, even if that would have meant disappointing your friend.


So I guess I'm preaching to myself. I keep getting in the goddamn boat without so much as a pair of freakin' swimmies, and then wind up cursing the entire human race when I have to doggy paddle my way to the shore with water up my nose and salt in my eyes. It's like the President said "Fool me once...uhh" ....well, you get the idea - I need to learn from my mistakes and stop worrying so much about the actions and words of others. This is my life...I have to deal with the results and consequences, so I might as well start making the decisions that cause them.

This starts with listening to that little voice in my head. my voice.

It's the off-season now, which is kind of like the athlete's new year. It's a chance to reinvent yourself. To put yesterday behind you and be done with it, for better or worse. It's a deep breath on a larger scale, and though it's a bit shorter for a rugby player than some other kinds of athletes, it still exists. In the off-season, there's no worries about comparisons. It's you and the gym. You and the pitch. There are no external consequences for not training. Nor are there external rewards when you do. For me, making the choice to seek the internal rewards always translates to the offseason being a pretty lonely time. I don't see many friends, and even when I have the opportunity, I am often too tired to join them. I find myself talking to Brutus a little more and talking to humans a little less. I can't say that it's a happy time of year...but it is a time of hope - of second chances. Hope that maybe this time I'll get it right. Maybe that in a few months I can crawl out of my hibernation as an improved version of myself. It's not easy, but if it was, everyone would do it.

For this off-season, my resolution is to quiet all the other voices and listen to my own; to be the best version of myself. I will try to chronicle my efforts toward this rebirth of sorts on my blog...in part to keep from losing my sanity, and also to give myself a sense of accountability. I've got to admit, the thought of giving my best is pretty terrifying. There's always the chance that "everything" just isn't enough...but then again, what if it is?

Deep breath in for 7 seconds....hold for 2....out for 6.....



“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely...”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson